


Life-Weary

by anasticklefics



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:14:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29242662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anasticklefics/pseuds/anasticklefics
Summary: Five doesn’t like hugs, but his siblings know there’s more to it.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	Life-Weary

Five hadn’t meant to watch them. Hadn’t even realized he’d been staring until Allison caught his eye, her face peeking out between Vanya’s hair and Klaus’ shoulder, all scrunched up eyes and laughter lines.

She raised her eyebrows, a soft smile that made Five want to flee finding her lips easily. She extended a hand toward him. “Come join.”

Five took a step back. “No, thank you.”

“Five.”

“I’m good.”

Her eyebrows furrowed, smile slipping away as easily as it had arrived. “All right then.” Not entirely offended, but troubled enough for Five to know she didn’t appreciate his answer, or at least the way he’d answered her.

He wasn’t sure why he’d answered her like that. It sounded rude even to his ears, but the reunion had left him snappy; knowing it was his fault they’d all been separated in the first place.

“Sorry, I just-” Not the time or place for confessions, he realized, eyes flying to Diego and Luther. “I just don’t like hugs.”

“Everyone likes hugs,” Klaus said, untangling himself from their sisters to tilt his head at him. “You’ve just forgotten what one feels like.”

“Wait, how long has it been since you’ve been hugged?” Vanya, still not remembering anything despite them having filled her in, looked so utterly sad that Five almost felt bad for himself.

He shrugged. “Years. Whatever.”

“Oh, Five.”

He pointed at Allison. “No. Don’t come closer.”

“I’m not gonna _force_ you to hug me,” she said, sounding actually upset now. “I just wish you hadn’t had to go through that.”

“Can we focus on the end of the world now?”

“Why are you so uncomfortable?” Diego asked, probably to rile him up, but when Five turned to catch his eye he just looked concerned.

“Because we don’t have _time_ , Diego. Focus.”

Diego’s lips twitched, in a sneer or in amusement, but he dropped the subject and Five felt himself relax for a millisecond before some sort of hopelessness washed over him. Stupid, to get upset at other people hugging when the world was ending, but after that moment he found he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop imagining arms embracing him, pulling him into a chest, a neck, a cheek. He’d never been affectionate, even before the jump. He was grateful for it. Would probably not have survived over 40 years of solitude without that preference.

But.

Well, he was only human. Terribly, desperately, teleportingly human.

“You look distressed.”

He glanced up, caught Allison’s eye. “More like stressed,” he replied, but there was no heat behind his words or his tone. It sounded hollow, which his sister of course noticed.

“Five.” She sat beside him on the couch, far enough to make it obvious she was giving him space. “Talk to me.”

“I’m not much of a sharer.”

“You used to be.” Her bangs were slightly parted, revealing a scowl. “Remember how you used to talk as kids?”

“What are you talking about?” All Five could remember of his childhood was an ever present foreboding and a chaotic group of kids. Always observing, he realized whenever he thought back on it. Never part of the actual memories. But he knew he’d had a good relationship with all of them. If anyone had been simply watching it had been Vanya. Maybe he’d manipulated his memories without meaning to. Doing it simply to survive them.

“You used to tell us everything on your mind,” Allison continued, leaning forward ever so slightly. “Remember? All your plans. Your ideas. That was why it came as such a shock to us when you finally did attempt time travelling. You hadn’t said a single thing about it.”

Five remembered feeling as if this was bigger than all of them, and thus had kept it to himself; afraid that one small discouraging comment would ruin it all.

Funny how that worked.

“That was a long time ago,” he said now, bone-weary, life-weary.

“I know that.” Allison reached out for him - his hand or knee or wrist - but retreated as if burned without making contact. His fault. “Don’t you think it would feel good to share again? Share anything?”

“Probably.” He hated how matter-of-factly he sounded. His tone so uninvested in the conversation. “But I think we have bigger things to worry about.”

“We always have bigger things to worry about,” Vanya said somewhere behind them. He hadn’t realized they weren’t alone. “That’s a weak excuse.”

He turned to frown at her, but her face, so beloved to him, made him soften. “Well, I don’t have anything better.”

“So drop the excuses.” Klaus was there too. Somehow he wasn’t surprised.

He crossed his arms. “Any other Hargreeves hiding in the shadows?”

“Uh.”

“That was a _joke_.”

But Diego and Luther emerged nevertheless. Jesus, he needed to stop dropping his guard if four whole people could get past him during half a conversation.

“What do you all want?” he snapped. “Last I checked you seemed too busy to even help me get us home.”

“Hey, you can’t just show up and expect us to not have made a life here,” Luther said, not raising his voice, but pointing semi-angrily at him.

He cocked an eyebrow. “The 60s gave you some balls, at least.”

“Five.” Allison’s voice was a warning, but one that was so understanding Five nearly wanted to cry. “Stop. You don’t have to be on the defense all the time.”

“And why not? It’s helped us before, hasn’t it?”

“It’s only us.”

“There are only four walls.”

Klaus was there, hands on his shoulders so suddenly he didn’t have time to move out of reach. “Relax. You’re more tense than our family dinners used to be.”

And rather than teleporting away, Five stayed, scowling, but letting his brother knead at his shoulders anyway.

“I can’t believe you touched him without his consent and he still hasn’t killed you,” Diego said, shaking his head, and his words made Klaus stop and let go and Five kind of wanted to kill _Diego_ for it.

“Whoops. I should’ve asked. Five, can I massage you?” Klaus said it casually, but Five could sense something underneath his words. Almost as if his siblings had talked about him without him. Talked about how to best approach him.

He started to stand, unsure of why he didn’t just teleport out of the situation. “No.”

“Oh, come on. I felt you relax a bit.”

“I don’t need to relax.”

“That’s a lie.” Luther stepped forward, and had the scenario been different Five would’ve almost expected him to punch him, but Luther was Luther and merely grabbed his shoulders where Klaus’ hands had been and gently pushed him down again.

And Five stayed. Somehow he still stayed, despite feeling too many things to properly identify them, though he could easily point out the embarrassment bubbling up in the form of heat spreading over his ears.

So this was vulnerability taking form in other ways than life threatening. He didn’t love it, but he was far from hating it either.

Vanya sat down on his other side, his two sisters shielding him, while his brothers covered him. Five, the one in this room who had been a fucking assassin, and here they were taking care of him, even if it was just from his own stubbornness.

He exhaled. “I’m just tired, okay? I feel like I can trust no one and I haven’t gotten a moment of rest in over 40 years. At this point I’m not sure I even _can_ rest.”

“You can rest around us,” Vanya said, and she did grip his hand in the way he was sure Allison had wanted to do since approaching him, and Five found himself squeezing hers back without thinking of it.

He ran his free hand through his hair. “It’s not as easy as that.”

“Sure it is.” Klaus leaned over Vanya to get a better look at him from behind the couch. “You don’t think we’d let you get hurt or something, do you?”

“Not _intentionally_.”

“See? You trust us.”

“I trust your intentions, not your abilities.”

Diego snorted. “If you were anyone else I’d get you for being a smartass.”

Five felt himself smirk. “But I scare you too much, of course.”

“Get over yourself. You’re like a scared rabbit. If I approach you now I’ll scare you off forever and Allison will kill me.”

Allison raised her hands. “Guilty as charged.”

“What do you have on him to get him to behave?” Klaus asked, Five momentarily forgotten. “Seriously, I’ve tried my entire life, but the only thing that works is tickling his feet, and trust me, getting to them is kind of life threatening.”

“Klaus, I will actually murder you.”

“See?”

Five rolled his eyes. “Just tickle him back. He’s just as bad as you.” More recent memories proved his point.

“But the bastard enjoys himself when I do.”

“Things haven’t changed then.”

“I seem to remember _you_ being quite sensitive as well.” Five didn’t see Klaus’ finger pointing at him at first, but felt himself instantly straighten when he caught it. “Is that still the case, old man?”

“How should I know?” Five spat back, rather than denying it. He knew denying anything got him nowhere with this bunch.

“Oh, a challenge!” Klaus actually clapped in glee. “Let’s find out.”

Five was out of the room before they’d even moved toward him.

* * *

“So maybe that was the wrong approach.”

He looked up, knowing exactly what Vanya was talking about despite the hours between the interaction and his return. “You think?”

“Hey, it seemed to be going fine until the boys decided to act up.”

“The moral of every conversation with them.”

Vanya let out a laugh and settled beside him on yet another couch. No other siblings were there. Five had checked.

“You okay?”

“Just peachy.”

Vanya didn’t prod, didn’t force him to admit to anything, but the way she smiled told him she knew he wasn’t being entirely truthful.

“If it’s any consolation,” she said, running her fingers through the lengths of her hair. “I don’t think I was hugged much either before getting here.”

“I know.” A beat, and, “I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. Allison said you were the closest to me back then.”

Five could barely remember it. “I think we both might’ve been a bit of an outsider. You were forced into it. I did it on my own, I guess. I was too busy imagining all these ideas coming true.” He wasn’t sure why he was talking, but found he couldn’t stop. “I’m not sure how to stop retreating even if things go back to normal and we get to lead normal lives.”

“Neither do I,” Vanya admitted. “Everything’s so overwhelming.”

Five suddenly felt a strong urge to reach out and hug her. He hadn’t felt that since- well, ever.

He crossed his arms instead, holding onto himself. “Dad sure knew how to mess us all up.” But Five could understand him now, being older and exhausted; all the vigor drained from his blood.

“I’m glad I found you all again,” she added.

“Yeah.” Had he been anyone else, he would’ve reached out for her hand. “Me too.”

She sighed, and before he knew it her head was on his shoulder, both of them small enough for it to be a natural movement. He didn’t move, forcing himself to breathe normally, and it only took her a few seconds to realize what she was doing and straighten up again.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it-” Felt nice? Felt nearly normal enough? “It’s okay.”

“I should’ve asked.”

“I’m not so fickle I can’t handle someone leaning on me.”

“I don’t want you to feel crowded.”

“I wasn’t.”

So Vanya hesitatingly lowered her head again, which Five hadn’t expected, but he found he didn’t want her to move away anyway.

* * *

“I’m sorry.”

Five had heard her this time, but in a way it made it harder to meet her gaze. “For?”

“For sneaking up on you like that. And getting the others rather than doing it alone.”

He shrugged. “It’s cool.”

Allison smiled, maybe at his use of words, maybe at the way he was so obviously lying. “Can I sit?”

He nodded, wondering how it had come to the point where people felt the need to ask his permission for everything. “Just don’t try to hug me.”

“I wouldn’t do that. Not after-” She cut herself off, licking her lips.

He tilted his head at her. “After?”

“Don’t get mad.”

“That’s not a good way of preventing it.”

She let out a laugh. “I guess. I just realized you probably haven’t experienced much touch in the past-”

“40 years.”

“And more. I don’t want to impose.”

One part of him - a buried, young, nostalgic part - knew boundaries usually didn’t play a big role in sibling relationships. It was all wrestling matches and tickle attacks and hands pinching cheeks while the other complained. But they hadn’t been normal siblings in years. Partly his fault. Mostly Reginald’s.

“Vanya rested her head on my shoulder earlier,” he said, unsure of why.

Allison hummed. “How was that?”

“Strangely comforting.”

“I see.”

“Maybe because it was also comforting to her.”

“Ah.” She hesitated, mouth opening and closing before forming the words. “Was it nice?”

He looked away, eyes moving, head remaining still. “It was.”

She didn’t push him for more, but Five found himself almost wishing she would. Wishing she would reach out for his hand, throwing her arms around him, holding him close despite his frantic heart. He feared he would never allow it unless someone forced him to.

But she respected him too much. He knew that. Would only touch him if he asked.

He turned his body toward her. “Can you-” Can she what? Be his sister despite his walls? Despite his cranky mood, his violence-reined limbs.

But she merely raised her head to show she was listening and he felt his restrictions were silly.

He deflated. “Nothing.”

“Five.”

“I don’t know how to word it.”

She reached out for him and stopped midair, though this time it felt intentional. “So show it.”

He felt too small in his stupid shorts. Too vulnerable. He squirmed in his seat, eyed Allison’s outstretched hand, and pushed his hand into her palm. It only lasted a moment, her fingers encircling the wrist, her thumb stroking his skin without them letting either of their hands drop. It felt strangely ticklish, a sensation he’d forgotten, though he’d thought about it ever since Klaus had brought it up earlier that day. He wasn’t sure he liked it, but there was something trusting in allowing himself to feel it.

When he moved his hand out of Allison’s grip, which had been loose the entire time, her nails ran over his palm in the process and he snatched it away.

She misunderstood his action. “I’m sorry-”

“No, no, it-” he found himself saying to yet another sister. Wanting to explain, rather than leaving it be. “That was, uh, nice. I just-” He could’ve left it at that. “Your nails, they-”

She looked at her hand. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, just-” He could’ve just said yes. “It tickled, a little. I assume. I haven’t been, you know-” Now he was rambling. “Ah, I gotta go.” And he left, like a coward.

* * *

Diego found him next, which was surprising, not because Five hadn’t expected they would all seek him out, but that it was Diego and not Klaus who did it first.

“What do you want?” he asked, tired of feeling vulnerable and not as comfortable being so around his other siblings.

“Well, that’s a warm welcome.” Diego plopped down beside him, unhesitating, unasking. “I wanted to see if you’re all right, you little bastard.”

Five let out a laugh, mirthless, but not mocking. “I’m fine, thank you, and how are you?”

“Oh, just excellent. Just having a grand old time.”

“Well, now that the pleasantries are over and done with.” Five made to stand, but Diego grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back down. “Hey.”

“Hi. No. Not leaving yet. Allison said we should bond.”

“Do you do everything Allison says?”

“Apparently. God, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Five nodded, mocking him now. “The 60s changed you.”

“And whose fault is that.” Five saw the exact moment Diego regretted his words, trying to backtrack, but Five held up his hand.

“You’re right,” he said, calmer than he felt. “I’m sorry.”

“No, shit, _I’m_ sorry-”

“Am I really hearing you both apologize? To each other nonetheless?” Luther had once again successfully snuck up on him. Five was getting too fucking old.

“Oh, shut up,” Diego shot at him, no venom in his voice. The 60s had brought them surprisingly close; nearly irritatingly so. “You wanna let me have my heartfelt moment with our little brother or not?”

“I’m older than you.”

“Sure you are.”

“I’d rather stay and make sure you don’t kill each other.”

“So little trust.”

“You’re one to talk,” Five said, getting pulled into their banter so easily he barely noticed it. “Remember how many times I had to keep you both from knocking each other out?”

“I totally had him,” Diego said.

“He didn’t even reference a specific time.”

“That’s because I had you each and every time.”

Luther’s smirk was actually kind of scary, mostly because it was way too playful for Five. “You wanna bet?”

Diego stood. “I’ll take you, big man.”

“Not sure if this is my cue to leave or separate you.”

Diego turned to him. “Oh, you’ll be joining.”

“I’ll win,” he replied drily.

“Prove it.”

In retrospect he realized this was Diego and Luther’s way of getting close to him without crossing any boundaries, but it only occurred to him when he had them both beneath him, sweaty and disheveled and cursing him out. He would blame the realization for allowing the tables to turn so suddenly when Luther grabbed him, Diego suddenly on Luther’s side as they wrestled him down onto the couch, and it was nearly fun enough for him to stay. Nearly normal enough to see the playful wrestling to the end.

But he flipped them over and teleported away, victory ringing in his ears.

* * *

Klaus found him last thing that day, the clock close to midnight, Five so tired from everything and yet not wanting to sleep until they got it over and done with. He wondered how Klaus would approach him. Had Allison forced him or was he doing it on his own accord. Had Ben talked him into it?

Ben. Five tried not to think of him; his death something he’d never been able to mourn. How would Ben have approached him? Carefully, or bouncing over to sit beside him like Klaus was doing now?

“So how are we doing?” he sang, placing his arm on the back of the couch almost as if he wanted to put it around him.

Five rolled his eyes. “I’m sick of that question.”

“Me _too_ ,” he replied, nodding. “It’s so stupid. People just expect you to say you’re fine, so what’s the point in asking?”

“Not in the mood, Klaus.”

“Testy. I haven’t even been particularly annoying.”

Fair enough. Maybe the waiting had made Five restless. If Klaus forced him into a hug now, would he shove him away or melt into it in exhaustion?

“I’ll tell you what.” Klaus turned to face him, pushing his hair behind his ears. “I’ll give you the name of this great masseur and she’ll fix your ever present knots in your back in no time.”

He snorted. “I’m fine, thanks.”

“Come on. You were practically as hard as-”

“Klaus.”

“I wasn’t gonna go with a _dirty_ simile. Jeez.”

Five, miraculously, let out a surprised laugh. “Sure you weren’t.”

“I swear on Ben’s ghost,” he said, holding up his hand. “And on my beautiful beard.”

“Well, that’s a shame because the latter doesn’t exist.”

He touched his chest. “You wound me, brother.”

Five turned away, but he didn’t leave. Didn’t leave despite being so bone-tired he nearly felt like passing out. Maybe it was his lack of energy that made him not flinch when Klaus moved closer, ever so slightly. Not enough to really crowd him, but enough for this to not be casual anymore.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

The exhaustion made him less suspicious. “Sure.”

“How does it _feel_ to be in a pre-teen body again?”

“Like a fucking nightmare.”

“No, but, physically? Like, are you h-”

“We’re not getting there, Klaus.”

Klaus let out a laugh, and Five found himself smirking despite himself. “No, but really. Can I ask another thing?”

“If you must.”

“You _are_ ticklish, right? Like, that’s not something I just made up.”

“Like I said,” he grumbled. “How should I know?” Though he did know, after Allison’s nails.

“You wanna find out?” Klaus’ wiggling fingers didn’t scare him. He knew he’d never do it without his hint of consent; not now, at least.

“Why do you like it anyway?” he retorted, and Klaus shrugged, no shyness in sight.

“It’s fun.”

“You like the sensation.”

“I guess. I mostly like the experience.”

Five felt curious, running his hand over his knee absentmindedly. “Hmm, I don’t see it.”

“You don’t have to. I can tickle you anyway.”

In another life he would’ve pounced, but Klaus remained seated, fingers still inches away from Five’s skin.

Five watched them. “Go on.”

“What, you want me to?”

“Only for a _second_. I want to feel it, but I’ll kill you if you continue.”

Klaus didn’t need to be told again, his fingertip colliding with Five’s side in a poke that made him jerk away. “More?”

Five felt flushed in embarrassment, and yet he said, “More.”

The second poke made him jerk again, the third made his lips curl upward. It was somewhere between the fourth and fifth that he let out a sound akin to laughter, his hand finding Klaus’ wrist to stop him.

“Enough,” he said, though he wasn’t sure if he meant it.

“You’re almost as bad as Diego,” was Klaus’ conclusion, and had things not turned out this way maybe Five would’ve returned the favor, or suggested they get Diego to prove his theory.

But he was cursed with constantly overthinking, overanalyzing, overwhelmingly so, so he teleported away despite not feeling like he had to, and without asking Klaus to show him if he was ticklish on more spots than his sides and palms.

* * *

He wasn’t sure why he felt awkward the next time they were all gathered. While he didn’t doubt they could’ve all told each other about their experiences with him, he had a feeling they hadn’t, so he technically had no reason to feel a slight vulnerability around them, but here they were. Here they fucking were. Out of all of them, it hadn’t occurred to him that he was the most dysfunctional one, though he reckoned it made sense.

“You seem distracted,” Allison said. Five felt as if he would always be observed whenever she was around now.

“In what way?”

“Well, you haven’t mentioned the apocalypse, for one.”

“I knew something felt off,” Diego said, his hand absentmindedly in Klaus’ hair, pulling at strands of it without seemingly bothering him.

Five rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on. I keep talking about it because you lot don’t seem to see the graveness behind the situation.” But his words felt venomless even to his ears.

“Can we have one normal interaction without bickering?” Luther asked, earning a collective “no” from the rest of their family. “Why the hell did I bother asking,” he said with a sigh, smiling sheepishly at Allison who reached out to touch his arm, her other arm around Vanya. The two of them had become inseparable in a way they never had before.

Five felt a fondness for them all, so sudden he felt as if he would suffocate. The emotions were too big for this body; the hormones too powerful. Usually it meant he would become grumpy - unable to handle it, just like a baby who would cried in rage over everything. Now he felt like he could weep any moment and made to turn away.

Something stopped him in his tracks. Not one word, or one movement, but a series of actions. Klaus shrugging Diego’s hand off, Vanya shying away from Allison’s arm while Allison dropped her other one from Luther, who went and sat on the opposite side of the room. One moment connected, the next on their own. Nothing physical to bind them, except for the memories and their love.

Five felt as if he could breathe a little easier now, equal in the circle as they finally got to business. They all loved differently. It wasn’t all about touching. He realized that now, watching them care even from afar.

Days later, back in 2019, he would hold them all close, finally, with relief leaving him nearly boneless in their embrace, and he would not overthink it at first. Maybe one day he’d let them hug him without life or death having to play a part of it, but until then he would watch them approach him slowly and carefully, with hands on shoulders and quick squeezes to his - terribly ticklish, it would turn out - knees.


End file.
